“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it.” (Eat Pray Love; Elizabeth Gilbert)
It’s true. Happiness takes an effort. And as I stare at my computer screen, not knowing what exactly to write about, (besides having to say and describe that I’ve been idle for a long time in blogging), I feel like I’m losing my grasp of the important things to me and I feel somehow lost again. I feel like happiness is slowly getting out of my hand’s reach and I am just like a statue stuck there not moving and not doing anything to get it back.
It’s not like I’ve lost anything or someone.. it’s something deeper. Deeper that it’s hard to describe. But I’m not blaming anybody or anyone for this. I know this is entirely something that only myself is involved.
You know the feeling when you just want to hide yourself from the world? It’s that feeling right now. I don’t know if I’m the only one who feels this but sometimes I just want to feel alone and become idle on this world. It’s like wanting to push that ‘pause’ button on the iPod so that I won’t miss any of the good parts of the music. Same as life, I don’t wanna miss out any good things that might happen while I just slouch here in my house doing nothing. And also like a music in an iPod, it has a definite length of time. Life is obviously limited for all of us that’s why people and everyone else keeps on implying that ‘Carpe Diem’ or YOLO.
But life has no pauses. It trudges on and on as the sun rises and sets everyday. And we have no choice because life won’t just pause for us. The only thing we can do is take a break when we feel tired of life’s crankiness. I think taking a break or pause is essential for everyone. Like a machine, we also need to rest sometimes. But through the rest, it’s important not to lose hold of oneself. (Although I haven’t really understood the meaning of this) I’m still trying to understand myself, and I think part of it is this constant thinking and searching for what I really want to do with my life and to who I want to be.
To be honest, I’m jealous to the people who simply have those talents that they can easily show it to the world and use it for God, and also for the people (if you are a student/teenager like me) who already knows what they want to do when they get older.
What am I really really good at? What do I want to be? My answers for these questions are vague at this moment, and maybe these things are simply what makes me feel lost. But even that I am not exactly sure of.
Only one thing is I’m sure of right now, I want to be happy. And to be this, I need to constantly strive for it and make efforts for it. Life won’t just give me a raspberry pie without taking the steps on getting all the ingredients out to bake it or getting out of the house to buy it from a store. It’s all about the steps. One step at a time. Like in getting that joy and peacefulness from our God, it all starts in a prayer. A simple prayer, that’s the first step. Or like wanting to learn how to skateboard, it all starts with getting your foot set on a skateboard. It’s all about putting your first foot out there, putting an effort to get what you want.
And obviously isolating and putting myself in a cave won’t get me there.